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“But I Thought They Would Change…”
How many times have you thought ”But I thought they would change…”?
When you first started getting serious about your partner and started having ‘forever after’ thoughts, did “I don’t really like _________ about my partner but I’m sure I’ll be able to teach/change/nag them into what I want them to be later…” ever run through your mind?
The things that we don’t like about our prospective partner can vary from untidiness to slurping their soup to spending too much money to leaving things until the last minute….the list is endless!! In fact, if you are in a serious relationship at the moment, write down five things that really bug you about your partner.
Are you really prepared to marry this person and live with these issues for the rest of your life? Because, chances are, if they haven’t changed these things before marriage, they probably won’t change after!
I can hear you say, “Jacki – you’re being SO negative!”
Think about it for a minute, when we are meeting, dating and courting, everyone is on their best behaviour. It’s not until after we’re married that we see the other person for who they really are – the good parts and the bad!
When we were holidaying in Fiji, I was interested to notice that the young unmarried girls were slim, trim and terrific, however, most of the ladies who had been married for a short time were quite overweight. When I asked one of them about this, they said, ”We don’t have to worry about our figure anymore cos we have our man!!” I think a lot of us do the same thing, once we are married we feel free to let it all out, and surprise, surprise, you may not always be happy with what you find!
My darling and I are pastors and have counselled a lot of couples in various situations in life. One of the main statements that often surface is, ”If only THEY would change everything would be ok” and one partner will set out to try and change the other. In fact, this becomes their mission in life! Unfortunately, it doesn’t work and often makes the relationship worse which is why they end up in relationship counselling.
The only person who I can change is me!
I often say that everything that happens in my life is about me becoming a better person – God will use EVERYTHING that happens, as long as I allow Him to shape me and grow me. This means that my attitude to everything in life needs to be what can I learn from this? This applies in my relationships as well. We always seem to be the expert on what is wrong with everyone else but forget to look at ourselves…
There is always going to be something about our partner/spouse that we don’t like
We should definitely talk about it and allow our partner to tell us the things about us that are driving them crazy! My darling is a red head and with that usually comes a short temper. When we were dating I hadn’t seen it at all until I said no to him about something…..well!!!! He took off in his car and wrecked the tyre up the gutter! I come from a family where anger was often used and I didn’t plan to have it in my family so I told Jon I didn’t want to see him anymore. He was distraught and apologised profusely saying it wouldn’t happen again. I gave him another chance and the rest is history!!!! I have not seen him lose his temper like that to this day. Now, when he’s angry, he says, “Boy oh boy!” That’s my sign to give him some space! The moral of that story is to address the issue and don’t think it will change magically.
It is a great habit in any relationship to ‘have a cuppa’ with your partner regularly
Talk about the things that frustrate you about each other. Ask the question, “Have I done anything that annoyed you this week?” and then be ready to listen, receive and make an effort to change. Always use ‘I’ statements (eg. I felt angry when this happened). When you use ‘You’ statements (eg. You made me so angry!) you are directly attacking the other person and they will immediately jump to defend themselves. Most of the time your partner probably didn’t even realise they had done something to upset you and if you use ‘I’ statements, they will probably say, “I didn’t do that did I?” and they will try harder next time. We need to learn to communicate with our partners effectively, not be a nag all the time.
After 30 years, there are still things about Jon that I don’t like!
And I’m sure there are things about me that frustrate him. The key is to remember that it’s not our job to change the other person, it is our job to change ourselves. It’s all about me becoming the best person that I can be and being the best wife that I can be. No-one is perfect, including ourselves, we need to accept our partner/spouse for who they are and give the rest to God.
