30 Years of Marriage!!

We’re in for a treat this November because this blog is going to be all about…. MARRIAGE!

And no, I’m not going to give you marriage advice! I’ve only been married 6 months! I need ALL THE ADVICE I CAN GET!

The people who are going to give us marriage advice just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary on the 31st of October, and those same people happen to be my parents!

So what I’m going to do is have a Q & A style blog, I’ll get the ball rolling with a few questions and if any of you have any questions you want to ask about marriage, feel free to send them through and we’ll see what we can do! (can’t promise they’ll all be answered)

This week, however, my parents are celebrating this huge milestone by having a week holiday, so we’re not going to disturb them, instead, I’m going to write seven thoughts on why I think they made it to 30 years and why they’ll make it another 30!

1. They communicate

My parents TALK! Communication is a major key to the success of any relationship and something my parents remind me of often! COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! My parents don’t just expect that the other knows what they are thinking. They understand that neither of them are mind readers! And that male and female brains operate in completely different ways. To combat this they communicate regularly. They ask each other regularly - ”How are you? (really)” and ”Did I do anything that annoyed you this week?”

2. They love each other – not just through words, but through actions

It’s easy to say I LOVE YOU, but harder to show it. My parents both know what the other likes and they often come home and surprise them with that thing. For example, dad knows mum loves a certain type of ice cream (which is sometimes really hard to get!), so he will go out of his way to get it every now and then. When dad goes away mum puts notes in his bags encouraging him and telling him how awesome he is! It’s the little things that really make the difference.

3. They don’t ignore the problems

My parents are not perfect, neither is their marriage, which I’m sure we will hear about in the weeks to come. They have problems, as does everyone. The important thing however, is how they handle their problems. And in my opinion they handle them well. They don’t ignore them, sometimes there is a cooling off period that is needed, but they address them as soon as they can, they talk about it together, they are there for each other, they work through them together.

4. They sacrifice their own needs for the other

My parents understand that marriage isn’t all about themselves! It’s not about what they want to get out of it, satisfying their own needs or their own desires, but about giving the other person the best and doing everything they can to meet the others needs! When they focus on themselves, their needs aren’t met but when they focus on each other and make an effort to meet each others needs, their own needs are met.

5. Divorce isn’t an option for them

I have never even heard either of my parents mention the word divorce (in regards to their own marriage). I know that it isn’t an option for them. It’s not even something they would consider no matter what they went through. They are in this forever, there’s no plan B.

6. They are romantic

The romance hasn’t stopped! Dad still gives mum flowers, mum still makes dad’s favourite meals, they still go on dates regularly. This requires effort on their behalf but they have a passion for romance because they understand that it blesses the other person and keeps their marriage alive and exciting!

7. They make time for each other 

Life is busy. There’s not much you can do about that, especially if you want to make a living. Both of my parents work full time, and their jobs are at completely different times, so if they didn’t make time, they would never see each other! They haven’t always both worked full time, but other things also get in the way, a big one of those is kids! My parents always make sure they have at least one half day together per week, just the two of them, where they can spend time and share what’s on their hearts and minds with no distractions!

So there you have it!  I can’t wait to read the wisdom that they’re going to share over the next couple of weeks! Make sure you don’t miss out!

Be blessed, Jade Tanzil

10 things I learnt from my parents about how to be great parents!

I am SO BLESSED to have such amazing parents! They are not perfect, no-one is. But they did everything they could to be the best parents possible for their 4 daughters (and many other adopted children that have been a part of our family over time). People often ask them how they got such amazing kids! I’m pretty sure it didn’t just happen, but it was the result of the kind of parents that they chose to be. This week I want to share with you some of the things I believe made them great parents while we were growing up (in random order).

 1. Be Consistent

My parents were consistent in many areas but two areas I want to highlight are ‘life’ and ‘discipline’. By ‘life’ I mean they lived what they said. They lived with integrity. They lived what they believed. And in my parents case, they believe in God. They didn’t just talk about God but they lived it out. They were committed to go to church every Sunday (I could count on one hand the number of Sundays they missed in my lifetime), they loved God and loved people. They didn’t say one thing and then do another. When it came to discipline, they were both on the same page, one of them wasn’t weak and the other strong but they both disciplined us consistently in the way that they had decided together.

2. Don’t argue in front of your kids

When I was growing up I cannot remember my parents arguing. They did their best to keep their problems just that, ‘their’ problems. Kids don’t need to see parents yelling, blaming, angry and upset with each other, if they do, they will probably copy it.

3. Trust your kids

My parents didn’t always trust my friends or other people around me, and I could understand why, but they did trust ME to make my own decisions. They let me go to parties where they knew there would be alcohol and other things but they trusted that I would do the right thing. It can’t be easy as a parent to do this, especially if you have to watch your child make a bad decision and then live with the consequences but it is all a part of a person’s learning process. From what I have seen from friends of mine and other families, if parents always try to protect their kids by not letting them do anything or go anywhere, it often leads to rebellion.

4. Encourage your kids to follow their dreams

People often ask me “What do your parents think about you living in another country”, I always reply “My parents are my biggest supporters!” Not just in this, but in everything that I have wanted to do – get a job when I was 13, go on a missions trip when I was 15, go to Bible College when I was 18, live in Bali, marry an Indonesian! Don’t get me wrong, they give me their advice if they think it’s not the wisest thing for me to do, but if after I’ve considered their advice and then still want to do it, they support me completely. I feel like I can do anything because my parents believe in ME!

5. Be Generous

My parents are the most generous people I know and I want to be just like them. They never hesitate to take people into their home if needed, they bought my friend glasses one time because he couldn’t afford it, my dad randomly pays for the person’s groceries behind him in the supermarket line, my mum gives her time to listen to people and love on them. They’re not rich, but what they do have, they happily give away.

6. Don’t give your kids everything on a silver platter

We weren’t spoilt kids. We had what we needed, but not much more than that. When I turned 13 and started wanting to be ’cool’ (and at that time that meant owning surf brand clothes) there is no way that my mum was going to fork out the money for that. But what she did do was encourage me to get a job, save my money, and buy it myself. And that’s exactly what I did. It taught me to appreciate what I had so much more because I was the one paying for it.

7. Love each other

I never doubted that my parents loved each other. They told each other regularly in front of us. They held hands. They hugged and kissed (ewww). Dad did the washing. Mum made his favourite desserts. It made me feel safe, secure and trust them even more.

8. Always care, even if your kids don’t

When I came home from school each day mum would ask “How was your day?” My answer “Good”. And then I would go to my room. And I never gave her any more information. But mum never stopped asking. My parents always cared about me, my day, my friends, all the little things as well as the big. They were interested in ME. I never had to question if I was valued or loved.

9. Always make time for your family

I don’t remember ever thinking, I wish my parents had more time for me. Somehow they balanced work and home life really well. Unfortunately I can’t tell you how, but feel free to ask them, I sure will!

10. Go on family holidays!

One of my favourite memories as a kid was going on family holidays. Something that we did at LEAST once a year if not twice and usually during school time which was even better! (I still got great marks, so parents don’t stress if your kids miss a couple of weeks of school every year) It made us feel special that our parents took time off work for us, they saved their money to spoil us, they played games with us, they taught us new things and took us to new places. But the money part of it wasn’t really a big deal, don’t let money be an excuse! It doesn’t really matter where you go or what you do, you could go camping in the next town, the important thing is that you have fun together as a family with no other distractions. (If possible turn off your phone and the internet during your holiday!)

So there you have it, 10 things that I learnt from my parents about being great parents! There are way more than 10 but these are 10 that have really stuck with me. My parents are my heroes. I hope that I will be the same to my kids.