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“But I Thought They Would Change…”
How many times have you thought ”But I thought they would change…”?
When you first started getting serious about your partner and started having ‘forever after’ thoughts, did “I don’t really like _________ about my partner but I’m sure I’ll be able to teach/change/nag them into what I want them to be later…” ever run through your mind?
The things that we don’t like about our prospective partner can vary from untidiness to slurping their soup to spending too much money to leaving things until the last minute….the list is endless!! In fact, if you are in a serious relationship at the moment, write down five things that really bug you about your partner.
Are you really prepared to marry this person and live with these issues for the rest of your life? Because, chances are, if they haven’t changed these things before marriage, they probably won’t change after!
I can hear you say, “Jacki – you’re being SO negative!”
Think about it for a minute, when we are meeting, dating and courting, everyone is on their best behaviour. It’s not until after we’re married that we see the other person for who they really are – the good parts and the bad!
When we were holidaying in Fiji, I was interested to notice that the young unmarried girls were slim, trim and terrific, however, most of the ladies who had been married for a short time were quite overweight. When I asked one of them about this, they said, ”We don’t have to worry about our figure anymore cos we have our man!!” I think a lot of us do the same thing, once we are married we feel free to let it all out, and surprise, surprise, you may not always be happy with what you find!
My darling and I are pastors and have counselled a lot of couples in various situations in life. One of the main statements that often surface is, ”If only THEY would change everything would be ok” and one partner will set out to try and change the other. In fact, this becomes their mission in life! Unfortunately, it doesn’t work and often makes the relationship worse which is why they end up in relationship counselling.
The only person who I can change is me!
I often say that everything that happens in my life is about me becoming a better person – God will use EVERYTHING that happens, as long as I allow Him to shape me and grow me. This means that my attitude to everything in life needs to be what can I learn from this? This applies in my relationships as well. We always seem to be the expert on what is wrong with everyone else but forget to look at ourselves…
There is always going to be something about our partner/spouse that we don’t like
We should definitely talk about it and allow our partner to tell us the things about us that are driving them crazy! My darling is a red head and with that usually comes a short temper. When we were dating I hadn’t seen it at all until I said no to him about something…..well!!!! He took off in his car and wrecked the tyre up the gutter! I come from a family where anger was often used and I didn’t plan to have it in my family so I told Jon I didn’t want to see him anymore. He was distraught and apologised profusely saying it wouldn’t happen again. I gave him another chance and the rest is history!!!! I have not seen him lose his temper like that to this day. Now, when he’s angry, he says, “Boy oh boy!” That’s my sign to give him some space! The moral of that story is to address the issue and don’t think it will change magically.
It is a great habit in any relationship to ‘have a cuppa’ with your partner regularly
Talk about the things that frustrate you about each other. Ask the question, “Have I done anything that annoyed you this week?” and then be ready to listen, receive and make an effort to change. Always use ‘I’ statements (eg. I felt angry when this happened). When you use ‘You’ statements (eg. You made me so angry!) you are directly attacking the other person and they will immediately jump to defend themselves. Most of the time your partner probably didn’t even realise they had done something to upset you and if you use ‘I’ statements, they will probably say, “I didn’t do that did I?” and they will try harder next time. We need to learn to communicate with our partners effectively, not be a nag all the time.
After 30 years, there are still things about Jon that I don’t like!
And I’m sure there are things about me that frustrate him. The key is to remember that it’s not our job to change the other person, it is our job to change ourselves. It’s all about me becoming the best person that I can be and being the best wife that I can be. No-one is perfect, including ourselves, we need to accept our partner/spouse for who they are and give the rest to God.
Q & A with Jon and Jacki Larsen – all about marriage!
How did you know that you had found the right person to marry 30 years ago?
Jacki: I was looking for a best friend, someone who would treat me like a princess, someone who loved God and put Him first in all things, someone who was strong and who I could respect. I was always told, “watch how a guy treats his mum because it’s a good indication of how he will treat you!” I also talked to trustworthy and reliable people in my life for their input about Jon – if it was an arranged marriage I would never have married Jon because my parents didn’t think he was good enough for their little girl and he had tooooo many debts!!!! Just as well that I didn’t listen…
Do you believe there is only one perfect person for everyone to marry?
Jon: Good question – I used to believe there was only person for me but have discovered over time that there were many people I would have been happy with as a wife, but once I made the choice there was no turning back and what an awesome choice I made with Jacki. Over years of talking with people, the excuse people often use to opt out of marriage is that their current partner is not their perfect match. Marriage is never perfect – it takes two people with God at the centre to make marriage work.
What is the most rewarding thing about marriage?
Jon: SEX SEX SEX! This would have been my thought as a young married man but I have now come to realise that marriage is so much more than sex. Sex is awesome, but the most rewarding thing for me is doing life with Jacki - the good, the bad, the ugly and the incredible, so my answer would be ‘doing life together’….
What are some of the challenges that you have had to face over the last 30 years in marriage?
Jacki: Oh my goodness…every challenge their ever was!!! God definitely has a sense of humour when he puts 2 people with totally different backgrounds and culture together and tells them to make it work! At least we never get bored because there is always something new coming up! Money was a big deal when we first got married because I was extremely frugal. I had bought a house before we were married and drove an old car so I could save money whereas Jon was extremely generous, giving away money left right and centre and he also liked his nice cars. As I mentioned before, Jon brought debts into our marriage!! We had to come to a happy medium where we were both comfortable and trusted each other, it has certainly been a challenge. We are in a great place now!
Communication has also been a challenge. We think that if our husband/wife really loved us they would know how we felt/what we needed/what we were thinking….this is a lie! Our partner can’t read our mind!! At different times of our lives we have been like ‘ships in the night’ with our jobs, including when the girls were little, it was even worse when they got older because they have big ears and like listening to everything! Therefore it was very important to make time for each other-dates/cleaning the house together, whatever it takes to get quality time. If this wasn’t strategic (put in our diary) we could easily find others in our busy lives to talk to and totally miss each other. We have had to make sure we have weekly time together, praying, reading the Word, dreaming, asking each other what frustrates the other and being willing to listen and work on it….
A lot of married couples find when children leave home, they don’t have anything in common anymore because their whole focus has been on the children for the last 20 years or so, what are your thoughts on this and how do you keep your marriage alive after children have grown up?
Jon: The key for us is to keep our marriage alive before, during and after children. We have to make sure we regularly take time for ourselves without kids. This was good for us and good for our children. The family focus should be on the core unit which is husband and wife, not on the kids. The best thing any parent can do for their child is to be in love with each other in word and action.
What do you think are the 3 most important keys to a happy marriage?
Jon: 1. Have a good framework (principles) to work from, in our case it is God’s Word, the Bible. 2. Don’t let the sun go down if you are angry – keep short accounts. This is something I have to work on daily as if you have a fight we all need to come out winners there should be no losers in marriage. 3. Understand that love is an action even if we don’t feel like it.
Jacki: Communication….going out of my way to do everything I can possibly do to make Jon the best man that he can be……..lots of cuddles!!!
Don’t forget if you have any questions that you would like dad and mum to answer about marriage please send them through to me on Facebook by Monday the 14th November!
Be blessed, Jade Tanzil
30 Years of Marriage!!
We’re in for a treat this November because this blog is going to be all about…. MARRIAGE!
And no, I’m not going to give you marriage advice! I’ve only been married 6 months! I need ALL THE ADVICE I CAN GET!
The people who are going to give us marriage advice just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary on the 31st of October, and those same people happen to be my parents!
So what I’m going to do is have a Q & A style blog, I’ll get the ball rolling with a few questions and if any of you have any questions you want to ask about marriage, feel free to send them through and we’ll see what we can do! (can’t promise they’ll all be answered)
This week, however, my parents are celebrating this huge milestone by having a week holiday, so we’re not going to disturb them, instead, I’m going to write seven thoughts on why I think they made it to 30 years and why they’ll make it another 30!
1. They communicate
My parents TALK! Communication is a major key to the success of any relationship and something my parents remind me of often! COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY! My parents don’t just expect that the other knows what they are thinking. They understand that neither of them are mind readers! And that male and female brains operate in completely different ways. To combat this they communicate regularly. They ask each other regularly - ”How are you? (really)” and ”Did I do anything that annoyed you this week?”
2. They love each other – not just through words, but through actions
It’s easy to say I LOVE YOU, but harder to show it. My parents both know what the other likes and they often come home and surprise them with that thing. For example, dad knows mum loves a certain type of ice cream (which is sometimes really hard to get!), so he will go out of his way to get it every now and then. When dad goes away mum puts notes in his bags encouraging him and telling him how awesome he is! It’s the little things that really make the difference.
3. They don’t ignore the problems
My parents are not perfect, neither is their marriage, which I’m sure we will hear about in the weeks to come. They have problems, as does everyone. The important thing however, is how they handle their problems. And in my opinion they handle them well. They don’t ignore them, sometimes there is a cooling off period that is needed, but they address them as soon as they can, they talk about it together, they are there for each other, they work through them together.
4. They sacrifice their own needs for the other
My parents understand that marriage isn’t all about themselves! It’s not about what they want to get out of it, satisfying their own needs or their own desires, but about giving the other person the best and doing everything they can to meet the others needs! When they focus on themselves, their needs aren’t met but when they focus on each other and make an effort to meet each others needs, their own needs are met.
5. Divorce isn’t an option for them
I have never even heard either of my parents mention the word divorce (in regards to their own marriage). I know that it isn’t an option for them. It’s not even something they would consider no matter what they went through. They are in this forever, there’s no plan B.
6. They are romantic
The romance hasn’t stopped! Dad still gives mum flowers, mum still makes dad’s favourite meals, they still go on dates regularly. This requires effort on their behalf but they have a passion for romance because they understand that it blesses the other person and keeps their marriage alive and exciting!
7. They make time for each other
Life is busy. There’s not much you can do about that, especially if you want to make a living. Both of my parents work full time, and their jobs are at completely different times, so if they didn’t make time, they would never see each other! They haven’t always both worked full time, but other things also get in the way, a big one of those is kids! My parents always make sure they have at least one half day together per week, just the two of them, where they can spend time and share what’s on their hearts and minds with no distractions!
So there you have it! I can’t wait to read the wisdom that they’re going to share over the next couple of weeks! Make sure you don’t miss out!
Be blessed, Jade Tanzil
Sex – Definitely Worth the Wait! (Part 2)
Challenges are inevitable in any decision that I make
Whether I’m deciding to lose weight, spend more time with people or learn a new skill there are always going to be challenges! Why wouldn’t it be the same if I made a decision to not have sex until I was married? I faced many, and I managed to overcome them.
I think peer pressure must be one of the biggest challenges that I faced. My friends didn’t walk around saying “Jade, you MUST have sex,” it’s actually the underlying pressure that is the hardest. The pressure of feeling like I didn’t fit in if I wasn’t doing what everybody else was doing, the pressure of not being able to be a part of some conversations or the pressure of not even being able to understand what my friends were talking about (especially after a big weekend).
Most of it was in my head!
I felt like people were looking at me weird and talking about me behind my back because I didn’t kiss that guy at the party, but in reality, they weren’t! I am grateful that I learnt this early on, it made it so much easier to not give in to ‘peer pressure’. There are always going to be people that talk behind my back, but I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about real friends. The only kind of friends I want to have. Friends that respect ME. Everyone deserves respect. Many of my friends told me that even though they couldn’t make the same decisions I did, they really respected me. They are true friends.
Because I had set boundaries in place (check out part 1 if you missed it) while I was a teenager, that made it so much easier to stick to my decision. I found that most of my challenges came when I was in a serious relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship; you love each other, you plan to have a future together, why not have sex?
For me, it still wasn’t the right time, as much as I wanted to, nothing was set in stone yet. No promises had been made, there was still an unknown factor about the relationship, what if we did break up? I would have lost everything that I had saved for so long!
It’s dangerous to talk about sex when you are in a relationship unless it’s to talk about your commitment and boundaries which is a good idea when you start any relationship.
Conversations about sex only make us want to have sex more (the same goes for watching movies with sex scenes in them together, laying down on the bed together or anything else that may be tempting). I didn’t talk with my husband about sex until 2 months before we got married. And even that was hard! You might think that is a bit extreme, but I’m telling you, it’s the little things that really help to overcome the challenges and it was worth the wait.
About 3 months before I got married I realised I didn’t know anything about sex
And that was the best part! I talked to a close friend of mine to find out if there was anything I needed to know, and yes, I was a little freaked out, but seriously, one of the best parts of waiting until I was married was that I got to explore sex for the first time with my husband, the one that I have committed myself to forever. I knew that he wouldn’t laugh at me, reject me or disrespect me if I did something wrong (not that there is a ‘perfect’ way to have sex), we had fun learning together!! And we have the rest of our lives to continue learning! Things and circumstances will change, we’ll have children, we’ll get older, we’ll have problems, but we get to share all of this together and keep growing together!
It’s not that easy for everyone
Unfortunately this world is full of evil, and that evil includes abuse. Abuse is a horrible thing and I’m so sorry if you have been a victim of it. Your right to choose was stolen from you. It’s not your fault. And there are those that may have already given themselves away for whatever reason and now regret it.
It’s not too late!
No matter what has happened to us or what we’ve done in the past we still have the ability to choose how we are going to live from this day on. I encourage everyone to choose a life of love and respect.
Why? Because you’re worth it.
I want to finish with an extract from the True Love Waits website because I couldn’t have said it better myself:
Sex is much more than just pleasure – it’s an incredible experience of permanent, self-giving love that reflects the love and commitment of marriage. When expressed in this context, it will be one of the greatest joys of your life.
Making the decision to save sex for marriage is one that only you can make. It is a big decision, but it’s not one that you’ll regret. Despite what people say, it is very realistic. Just ask anyone who has made this decision and they’ll tell you that it is possible and it is worth it.
Saving sex for marriage not only respects the true meaning of sex, it respects the essence of who we are as individuals. It helps us protect our own dignity and helps us to see and respect the true beauty and dignity of others.
